Maniacs in The Fourth Dimension Read online

  Maniacs in the fourth dimension

  A work of fiction by

  Y.T. Whitemansson

  ISBN-13: 978-1508684572

  ISBN-10: 150868457X

  MMXV

  For Kurt, Menander, Basilides, Cerinthus, Valentinus, Cerdo, Marcion, Carpocrates, Mani..

  In its entirety this story is narrated by its inhabitants.

  In the story, character ' - ' means that the speaker, or the narrator was interrupted while talking, or narrating.

  Character ' _ ' means that narrator died in the moment of narration.

  Table of contents:

  Lempo

  Vanilla face creep

  Praying mantis pornography

  Rosencrantz & Guildenstern

  Ugliness

  W = R

  Not today, Fred

  Alice in Sodom and Gomorrah

  S(pr)ay cheese, motherfucker!

  Lemonade

  Ten, eleven, twelve

  ''Fool''

  Jellyfishes and electromagnetic pulses

  Nintendo

  Sayonara, bitches

  Dry dark place

  Mentality of a car salesman

  Something nice and friendly

  Only the strong

  Princess Peach

  Guardian snakes and lapsed catholics

  Important things

  Monkeyboned

  A very boring chapter the author didn't want to write

  Flashed forward

  Rabbithead's sister

  Breakdown

  Worst possible fuckin' karma

  Cleit predicts his own death and other stories

  Simon the Magus

  Various predatorial beasts

  It can't be killed !

  A logical explanation

  Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

  Mugshot

  Malakur vo

  The shadow of Kurt Vonnegut

  Brass casing

  Hangover in Kandahar

  Yalla, yalla

  Supermensch

  David Attenborough

  The secret of life and all things

  Evil chapter that killed Zeke

  Alsatian

  Kook

  Finally. Angel's heart

  One hundred

  Dutch, not German

  Sleepover

  History of Gnosticism

  Emanation three twenty six

  Bushwacked

  Al-Miraj

  Space between the ribs

  Krav Maga

  Bbbwwwrrrrgggkkkhaaa

  Fan nonfiction

  Squid Humbolt

  Front row seat for the beginning of the end of the world

  Mind full of fire

  One flight over Hyperborea

  Mother of all fantasies

  Bidsprinkhaan

  Cassius, Brutus, Ceasar, stab! stab!

  The last obstacle

  Metatron

  Rosencrantz & Guildenstern take a bow

  A different point of view

  The End

  Chapter one

  Lempo

  It turns out that I'm the one that has to go get him. I bought the tickets, I did everything, and now, I have to find out where that cunt is. I mean, I know where he is. Lying on the bed in his apartment. Jerking himself off to death.

  I didn't imagine that it looks like that when you're dumped by someone you truly loved.

  He's just lying on the bed all the time, every fuckin' day, and watching MTV, waiting for the videos with that redhead russian whore, Nadia, and jerking off.

  Isaac's girlfriend was a redhead.

  Sigh.

  My name is Lempo. I'm the one little bit Asian looking. My eyes look like I'm Japanese or somethin'. As far as I know, I don't have any Asian blood. But yes, I'm pushing manga hairstyles. I like manga.

  Cleitus, Isaac, and Jove are my pack. We are best friends since high school. High school is where I first met Cleitus and Isaac, I've known Jove before high school, but we didn't hang out. Since then, four of us spent every second we could together. Good days. And they still are.

  When we finished high school, all four of us, entered Applied Sciences University, Physics Department, just so we could be together, like in high school. Cleitus is the only one that isn't a complete airhead when it comes to physics.

  Cleitus, or simply Cleit, as he's called by virtually everyone, is the unofficial leader of our pack. He's a year older than us three, and the most mature one. He has his ways around teachers, around girls, around everyone. I don't know, is it some pheromones, or something else that designates him as an alpha male, wherever he appears.

  I think it's the color of his voice, it's presidential.

  All this wouldn't be so strange, if Cleit isn't resembling a neanderthal. His facial bone structure, I mean, makes him look much like that stereotype image of neanderthal. Sounds like a horrible thing to say about best friend, but I'm just being honest. Well, a good looking neanderthal. Charlton Heston of all neanderthals.

  Anyway, Isaac is his brother, looks nothing like him. Isaac is a chubby, orange haired, ginger guy.

  And also, there's Jove. Tall and skinny, I'd tell you that there aren't any special features about him, beside his laughter. When he laughs, he laughs like a maniac.

  But, that ain't exactly true. Beside the maniacal laughter, he just might be a maniac.

  Listen to this. I caught him once masturbating. He was playing some old VHS tape, of a praying mantis eating its mate, and jerking off to that. He saw me, and had me promise I'll keep my mouth shut about that.

  Bizarre.

  So, four of us are Physics students now. That department didn't really have a crowd, so we popped in.

  We still go, twice a week, or even more frequently, to our high school, to shoot hoops, two on two, in the school basketball court. I guess we like being there. Good days.

  When we started our third year there, Isaac's redhead, Maya, started her first. You should of seen her then, in that post-punk or whatever style, all leather and rags, and her hair, fiery red, copper red. She had some freaky piercing in her lip.

  When four of us saw her, Isaac went, 'I saw her first', and a couple of days later, she was occupying his lap, and they were sucking each other's face. The way she appeared, she was more a fantasy, than a real person, like a manga drawing, something someone imagined and drew on paper, something unreal, and, you have to admit that it isn't healthy to fall for something like that. Because, it's just a role, hedonistic exaggeration of youth, that is bound to disappear with years to come.

  Aphrodite, Venus in leathers.

  She was just a kid when she met Isaac, and she wasn't aware of her value yet, value on the scale of attraction.

  When Isaac left high school for university, she got a little time away from him. She started DJ-ing in some club, and Isaac couldn't keep her selfishly for himself anymore. I don't know what really happened, but Isaac told us they decided to go separate ways. I think she dumped him.

  Their combo just wasn't natural, ten years from now she will be a very successful and rich person, and he will still be wearin' three-quarter pants. It had to happen. You don't marry fantasies.

  Isaac kept calling her on the phone, he always had something to talk about, and she was answering, for a while. Then she stopped. She dropped high school and got out of Isaacs reach.

  And now, five months later, Isaac is still lamenting his loss in his own way. He spends most of his days in his underwear, lying in bed, watching MTV, and jerking off. He had more time for his pals, when he was juggling us, and his time with her.

  I saw her recently, in the street. I didn't say hello, and she was
pretending that she's not seeing me. She dyed her hair raven-black, she looks so different now. Isaac wasn't letting her change her hair color, wear dresses, or anything that would ruin his fantasy. Such a creep, eh?

  That there is the building, you can see it from here, third floor terrace, that's the apartment where Isaac and Cleit abode.

  I can guess what that vanilla face creep is doing right now.

  Chapter two

  Vanilla face creep

  '…Sayonara bitches,

  I'll scratch you where it itches,

  Summer glamour, boy,

  Creaming on the beaches…'

  Says Nadia. She comes to visit me every couple of hours. She speaks to me from the TV screen. She says she loves me and wants to give birth to my children.

  My girlfriend was a redhead. I hear, she's not anymore. Redhead. And my girlfriend.

  She's gone.

  I wish she has a facebook account, or somethin' like that, so I can spy on her. If she'd lock in, I'd just make a profile with the picture of some Cambodian baby, send her a request, and 'Oh my god, it's so cute!', and she'd let me in, and I'd see her through the eyes of a Cambodian baby.

  But, she's not present on social networks.

  I wonder, who's doin' her now. Probably some metrosexual DJ. He's probably not even an American. He probably speaks English in some retarded accent. They're probably fucking right now in his pool, in his mansion, while he's whispering love poetry to her ear in French!

  I have to go jerk off.

  No, I can't. I did it like, fifteen minutes ago. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired.

  I hear she's not a redhead anymore. Luckily, I have a bunch of photos of her on my phone, from the time when we were together, when her hair was red. She posed for me so graciously then.

  I'll show you. Where's my phone?

  Shit, it's dead. Battery's out.

  Somebody's knocking on my door.

  ''Ding-ding, motherfucker!!''

  Lempo.

  ''What?!''

  ''Pack your dick in your pants and open the door!!''

  ''It's unlocked!''

  What does he want now?

  ''Where have you been, man? We're all waiting for you at the Convention-con, Abraxas is going to appear at eleven, and there's no trace of you. We've been calling you, what's wrong with your phone?''

  Aw, shit.

  ''Battery's dead, I forgot to charge the phone. I completely forgot that Convention-con is today.''

  ''But you didn't forget to wank, did you?''

  ''Shut your mouth.''

  Cuntface.

  ''Well get the fuck up, Cleit and Jove are waiting for us.''

  ''I can't find my pants…''

  ''That you've been actually using pants during these last months, you'd know where they are, wouldn't you?''

  ''I can't find my sneakers, either.''

  Ha! Pants! These will do.

  ''Here, take these, I found 'em next to the doors.''

  ''Sandals?!''

  ''It's the only thing I found, man!''

  ''Ti moi prekrasniy malchik, ja sosat tvoi palchik…''

  ''What the fuck, man, did you just speak russian?''

  ''It's what Nadia says to me.''

  ''You completely burned out, man. C'mon, we have to go.''

  Chapter three

  Praying mantis pornography

  My turn? My turn, okay. You've heard Lempo already? You did. That cunt probably told you how I was jerking off to a praying mantis. I know he did. I told him to keep his mouth shut, but he just had to go and tell it to everyone. Shit.

  Look, this is what really happened. I heard some chicks giggling in the street, and my dick got hard, so I went to living room to shoot off. To assist myself, I've put some VHS from the porn stash in the VCR. By the time it started rolling, I was already spraying cheese. To my surprise, some mantises started fucking and eating each other on the screen. That's what Lempo saw. And he brought his own retarded conclusions. It's not like I get off to some… mantis pornography. Such thing doesn't even exist. Praying mantis pornography.

  But, just in case, definition of 'Praying Mantis Pornography', by esteemed profesor and pornography consumer, Jove Mansell:

  'Act of sex between two mates, ending in one devouring the other'

  Bwahahahahaha…

  Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaha…

  ''What's up with you, why are you grinning like a psycho?!''

  ''Oh, Cleit, I didn't see you coming… I just remembered something funny.''

  ''Did you call Lempo? It's ten thirty, Abraxas is going to be here at eleven, we don't even know where Isaac is…''

  ''I'm calling, I'm calling…''

  Chapter four

  Rosencrantz & Guildenstern

  ''Look over there, it's the Bright Moon.''

  ''Where?''

  ''There he is. He saw us, he's waving to us.''

  He's coming this way.

  ''Aw, shit…''

  Bright Moon is a guy from our college. A tedious person. He's as amusing as a gut parasite. He's always all euphoric and happy, he acts like a little girl. But, when you get to know him little better, like Hubert and myself did, you realize that he's quite a sneaky person. Behind his blathering, naive act, is a cunning personality.

  His parents are of really humble incomes, but he still manages to live high life. He buys all his clothes at 'Urban Shop', exclusively. That store is so expensive, there's nothing for under a hundred bucks there. And they're selling Confederate flags there, and using Confederate flag as a motif on some of their clothing lines. They think it's freaky fashion.

  He drains his parents pockets pretty quickly of course, and then he lives mostly of his numerous friends, and girlfriends.

  Guy never pays for a coffee. He tagged along, with Hubert and myself to cafes several times, he never paid anything.

  Last year, when Hubert was traveling Greece and the Balkans, Bright Moon texted him, and 'pretty pleased' Hubert to bring him back some aromatic tobacco that you can find only in some Balkan countries. Hubert brought him dozen of boxes, and Bright Moon sold'em for some nice cash to his friends. He used, maybe, one box himself. He never paid Hubert for tobacco, of course, but that is pretty much Hubert's fault, because he told him that 'it's OK', when Bright Moon was whining that he will pay him back, always, 'next week'.

  Anyway, I started calling him Bright Moon when his hair started falling off, so he began shaving his head. He used to have a long curly hair. Hubert calls him also: The Bald Moon.

  He's here.

  ''Hey guys, what's up?! Ed, Hube…''

  He insists on hugging, although we just want to shake hands.

  ''What's up, J.''

  ''Hey, man. You look like you haven't slept all night.''

  ''Oh, I had such an amazing time last night. We smoked salvia at Eve's place, it was out of this world. You two should have been there.''

  ''Salvia, the flower?''

  ''Yep, it was heavenly.''

  ''Um… Nice. Just don't get poisoned or somethin'.''

  So, they're smoking flowers now. I'm imagining a guy bringing a bouquet of flowers to his girlfriend, she takes them, hugs him, kiss him, and then they smoke the flowers together.

  ''I didn't know you're into Convention-cons, jam master J.''